Insults Galore
by xHiddenM
Summary: Harry and Voldemort fight just like they do at the end of DH. But instead of killing the Dark Lord, he is only dazed, and says something very...unexpected. Who knew Harry had the guts to respond like he did? Plus he forgot to check something very important... Crack!fic, not to be taken seriously. Read Warnings! Oneshot


**OK, this is just a funny oneshot that popped into my head while I was trying to sleep (bleh!). Please, please, don't take this seriously and PLEASE READ THE WARNINGs! I don't want anybody whining about the crap in here. Remember, I didn't take this seriously when I wrote it. I'm lazy, felt like shooting something funny out, and thus this was born. It's not written well, and it was focused on the insults within. I kept cracking up while I wrote this.**

**The * thing – I forgot what that was called – means the words were from the book. I got the first few pages from the Deathly Hallows. **

**Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns everything Harry Potter, but no one said it was wrong to mess with 'em, right? **

**WARNING: strong language, mild violence (magical death), and suicide.**

**Enjoy, laugh a little, and eat ice cream :D**

*"So it all comes down to this, doesn't it?" whispered Harry. "Does the wand in your hand know its last master was Disarmed? Because if it does…I am the true master of the Elder Wand."

A red-glow burst suddenly across the enchanted sky above them as an edge of sun appeared over the sill of the nearest window. The light hit both of their faces at the same time, so that Voldemort's was suddenly a flaming blur. Harry heard the high pitched voice shriek as he too yelled his best hope to the heavens, pointing Draco's wand:

"Avada Kedavra!"

"Expelliarmus!"

The bang was like a cannon blast, and the blue flames that erupted between them, at the dead center of the circle where they had been treading, marked the point where the spells collided. Harry saw Voldemort's green jet meet his own spell, saw the Elder Wand fly high, dark against the sunrise, spinning across the enchanted ceiling like the head of Nagini, spinning through the air toward the master it would not kill, who had come to take full possession of it at last. and Harry, with the unerring skill of the Seeker, caught the wand in his free hand as Voldemort fell backward, arms splayed, the slit pupils of the scarlet eyes rolling upward.* His body hit the ground with a bang (much less quiet then the one that had sounded from when their spells collided).

There was silence.

It was over, Harry and the Light had survived, and succeeded in taking down those of the Dark. Tom Riddle had fallen –

"Fuck you, Harry Potter."

Tom Riddle/Voldemort hissed it softly, quietly. Dead serious. Hehe, 'serious'. Like the actual dead Sirius. Yeah, he's dead 'Sirius'. He's – ahem, so Voldemort blinked up at Harry warily, shocking everyone with his…unusual words.

Gasps sounded from the giant crowd that had been watching their fight.

_**SNIP.**_

Something within Harry's mind cracked at the Dark Lord's words. Harry had not gone a single school year without having something to do with Voldemort pop and put his life in danger. And _damn _that pisses him off. It was like a switch being flipped. His goal had been to destroy Voldemort all throughout Hogwarts. He'd faced down stuff that'd make freaking _Chuck Norris_ piss himself! He'd _died_ for Merlin's sake!

_Died and come back to life_, his mini-annoying-mental-recreation-of-Dumbledore reminded him cheerily.

_**SNAP. **_

"You just don't _die_, damnit?" Harry snarled. Something had snapped (finally!) and Harry was _pissed_!

"You are such a fail, Harry Potter." Voldemort sighed, slowly sitting up, by supporting himself on his hands.

"So was your dad's condom, dumb fuck." Harry shot back. Voldemort let out a short, humorless bark of laughter.

"If we're discussing parents, let me take this moment to congratulate you upon their death. I could've sworn your father was stupid enough to be planting Cheerios in his backyards because he thought they were donut seeds."

"At least we had a backyard!" Harry said. "Your mother and her family was so poor she made hobos look rich!"

"Harry, Harry, Harry," the other sighed, shaking his head, "You never need to resort to yo mama jokes. You just need to open your mouth and say your shit to make me look like a genius."

"Oh, and Potter? Yo mama's like a penny: two faced and worthless."

"AHHH!" Harry shrieked, cowering away from the Dark Lord.

"What?" Riddle shirked, jumping away and swiveling around to look behind him.

Voldemort slowly rose, laughing victoriously.

"Yes, Potter! Fear me! Fear me and my followers! For we will end this all, with your death!" he shrieked.

"No retard!" Harry snapped. "I'm scared of your face, not you! I'd be scared of your brain too, but you know neither of us can find it."

"Why – you little – "

"Shut up dickhead, you'll never be the man your mother is."

"YOU _**SUCK**_!"

"AND YOU _**SWALLOW**_!"

"Shut the fuck up, both of you fuckers." Severus Snape said calmly.

"_Snape?_" the two enemies gasped.

"Yes, yes, I'm alive and all that crap," the Potions Master said, dismissing the matter with a wave of his hand.

"I – I saw you die!" Harry protested.

"No, you imbecile." Severus groaned. "You saw me pass out and failed – just like you do in my class – to check my pulse. 10 points from Gryffindor for failing to see whether or not your teacher was alive. Now, onto more important matters: both of you are insulting each other like little school girls. Honestly, this argument is going nowhere! I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and _shit_ a better argument than that!"

Harry looked ready to kill. Voldemort, seeing the nasty expression on his face, muttered; "Relax Potter, don't you hear that sound?"

"What sound?" Snape snapped.

"The sound of your balls not dropping."

"You're dick belongs in your pants, not your personality." Snape quipped.

"Is your ass jealous of how much shit comes out of your mouth?" Harry deadpanned.

"No, but I think your father would be jealous of how many times I did your mom."

"OOOOOHHH!" the crowed chorused.

Harry was _seething_ now. "You know Snape, for a man with no cows, you've got an awful lot of bullshit on you."

"I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your looks?"

"You know I'm hot."

"Yes, every time I think about you my middle finger gets a boner."

"What would _you_ know about getting boners? _Professor_," Harry drawled, "Sadly, you wouldn't know that shit if it slapped you on the ass."

"I'm bored! Avada Kedavra!" Voldemort screamed.

"No! I've lived this long!" Harry cried. "Expelliarmus!"

"Well this sucks. Avada Kedavra!" Snape pointed his wand at himself.

And the life of Harry Potter and the future of the wizarding world continued on the way we all expected it would.

**Thanks for reading! Please feel free to leave a comment or PM me. Whether it's about my work or you just wanna chat, I don't care. I like hearing from other people regardless. **

**Hope this made you laugh a little and made your day a little bit brighter. Or maybe it made a nice end to your day. Depends when you read this.**

**Either way, thanks again!**

** Iggy12727**


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